Never trust a head who tells you there is no bullying in their school. There will be – they are just choosing not to deal with it. But how can you minimise the chances of it happening to your child? And what should you do if your child does become a victim – or even a perpetrator?
How common is bullying in schools?
Research from the Department for Education looking at pupils in year 10 found that 40 per cent of young people asked had been bullied in the previous 12 months. Six per cent had experienced bullying daily and nine per cent between once a week and once a month.
Typical forms of bullying include name calling, exclusion from social groups, threats and violence, as well as having property damaged or stolen. Bullying can also happen online and through phones – known as cyberbullying. Unlike bullying offline, online bullying can follow the child everywhere, via social networks, gaming and messaging apps. Some children are bullied both online and offline.
What should schools do with a case of bullying?
The good news is that every school must, by law, have measures in place to help prevent all forms of bullying. This includes having both a behaviour policy, with measures to encourage good behaviour, and a separate anti-bullying policy (which should be available to parents and ideally on the school website) outlining how to report bullying (including anonymously), how it is recorded and what action is taken when it happens.
Many of the schools we visit go further still, working hard to create a culture of kindness, respect and wellbeing. Diversity (everything from neurodiversity to ethnic diversity) is more likely to be celebrated in today’s schools, and many schools are proactive in their anti-bullying messages through noticeboards, assemblies and workshops.
Some schools also focus on encouraging their students to be ‘an upstander not a bystander’, as well as covering topics such as empathy, mental health and language that could be deemed to be insulting. Cross-year friendships can be used to help prevent bullying too, eg via vertical tutor groups, extracurricular clubs and peer mentoring schemes.
My child is still being bullied
Some heads will whack their anti-bullying policy down on their desk in front of you, citing the pastoral team’s chain of command: form teacher, head of year, head of house, deputy head (pastoral), head.
And yet still your child comes home crying, with vicious messages appearing on their phone, and yet another pair of hockey or football boots have disappeared.
Your gut instinct will probably be to move schools, but this isn’t always the answer. Indeed, few children benefit from being moved at such times – and certainly serial moving is almost always a disaster in the longer term.
Instead, try to work with the school. Your child may kick and scream that they don’t want a fuss and that you going in will make it worse. And they may be right – at first – but any a good school will tackle the perpetrators and make it absolutely clear that the bullying stops here and now.
It can’t be done with boxing gloves and nailed boots. Bullies need sensitive handling – they’ve often been mistreated themselves and frequently have problems of their own. But again, schools know this – and know their pupils – so they should be able to find the most appropriate way of dealing with the situation, taking into consideration context such as whether the bully is a lone figure or whether you are dealing with a little gang. Your child may be assigned an older pupil as a mentor or a staff member as a ‘friend’ to give confidence and reassurance while the sorting out is going on. But they should never be made to feel the bullying is their fault or that it isn’t taken seriously.
If your child is the bully
In some cases – heaven forbid – it is your child who is accused of bullying. This can be just as painful as you need to sensitively sort out the whys and wherefores.
It is important to keep in mind that children don’t bully because they are ‘bad kids’. Decent children make mistakes and poor choices too, eg wanting to fit in with a group of friends who are picking on a classmate; they are looking for attention and haven’t been able to get it in other ways; they are naturally more assertive or impulsive than the others in their class etc.
By talking to, and guiding your child, through the root causes and the right behaviours, you can support them. And again, the school should be able to help too.
It is worth remembering – whichever side you’re on – that the parents have to be the adults in the situation and the emphasis must be on learning to live with each other, tolerate each other’s differences and do as you would be done by.
Finding a new school
Fortunately, in the majority of cases, bullying issues are dealt with effectively. But sometimes, despite your greatest efforts, a school just doesn’t, can’t or won’t get it right and you come to the decision that the only option is to find a new school.
If you are considering moving your child because of bullying – or any other kind of unhappiness – our education consultants can help. We can discuss the options in a relaxed and sensible way and work out what will be best for your child. Importantly, you will not be dealing with it alone.
So – if you are having to confront anything to do with bullying, call us for a friendly, understanding discussion – in, of course, complete confidence.